Self-love is an inside job. Look, sexual assault, violent relationships, war, not having our needs met as children…these take a toll on our current lives.

Self-love is a way out. It is a fundamental part of any healing journey. It begins with the realization that we don’t have to do or be anything to love ourselves.

Self-love has to be unconditional, meaning that we love ourselves no matter how many times we’ve fucked up. It is a choice that we make…a choice that we honor each and every day.

I remember when I first realized that I was sexually assaulted as a child. I was in my 30’s. There was a lot of internal blame. What did I do to create this? I ended up questioning my right to disclose and ultimately heal because I felt that I didn’t deserve it.

Albert Einstein said (paraphrased),“We cannot solve our problems at the level that they were created.” Sexual abuse and trauma are low vibrational states. Self-love is an elevated vibrational state of being. We have to be willing to shift our energy. Below are 7 ways to do just that.


Forgiveness is Key

Eventually, I made a choice to forgive and love myself no matter what. To this day, I get up every morning, particularly when I’m feeling like my day may be challenging, committed that I will love myself no matter what I might say, do or not do. It puts me in a place of empowerment. It keeps my vibration high. My day begins on a centered note.

As I said above, I forgave myself. Forgiveness is a higher vibrational state. That is a fundamental part of loving ourselves. My greatest teaching of forgiveness was learned through a book called “A Course in Miracles”. It is based on healing through forgiveness. It is an amazing teaching, albeit deep. It gently guided me to the realization that this world is an illusion and because of that, I am whole. I didn’t need to forgive myself because ultimately, nothing happened…and that means I wasn’t sexually assaulted and could forgive my perpetrator. It is radical and it worked. I can’t explain why in this short article. Here is the link to learn more:

This is one worldview. I don’t ask you to adopt it if that doesn’t resonate with you, but it is an option if you are willing to let go of your way of thinking and ready to embrace a completely different and radical way. From a Course in Miracles, “Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right?”. I chose to be happy and have never looked back.

This is one method at your disposal…there are many others.


Develop a Routine

When we develop a routine, we begin to feel a consistent pattern. That pattern is strengthened by an energetic matrix that we create with our intention. We are powerful creators! We are not the receiver of random acts by the universe. When we begin to harness the power of a disciplined routine, we begin to see the results. The results help us to feel successful. The success helps us to feel love for self. We see that we can make a difference in our lives. We feel powerful…we feel self-love.

Create a Routine

Routines take on many forms. We can start small by incorporating one new routine into our day. We should be guided by what we love to do.

Ask yourself any of the following questions:

What do I love to do throughout the day?

What makes me feel good?

What do I enjoy eating?

What do I enjoy listening to?

What do I like to read?

What scent makes me feel happy?

How do I enjoy exercising?

How do I like to decompress?

Make a list of the answers. Pick one thing and incorporate it into your day. Next month, bring in another thing, and so on. Start small. It may not be easy at first and I would ask you to be gentle with yourself. It will get easier with time.



It is the outside world that caused you pain. There is an entire inner world that is just waiting to be explored.  Meditation is a way to get in touch with that greater part of you that can only be heard when we get still and turn within.

Ways to Meditate

Meditation is a great way to cultivate self-love because by doing it, we are tapping into our true nature, the part of us that goes beyond the physical. The infinite, divine part of us that is love, light, peace, joy and abundance. This eventually expresses itself in our physical world. Beginning in small ways, confirming our inner experience. And then in larger ways that cause our daily lives to shift sometimes in amazing ways!

For instance, after meditating for a time and having a history of difficult and disappointing partners,  I was able to bring in healthier relationships and met my husband of 25 years.

There are traditional meditation methods such as sitting, closing our eyes and getting quiet. But if that doesn’t work for you, there are other ways:

Walking meditation: Take a short walk, focus on your feet and each step that you take.

Washing the dishes: Focus on the soap, the water and the process of washing each item while quieting the mind.

Folding clothes

Knitting or Crocheting

Making Art

Drumming or playing and instrument


Help Others

Helping others helps us forget about our problems. Sometimes we feel like we can’t help ourselves, but we can help another. Energetically, we are all connected..we are One. When we do something positive for someone else, we are doing something positive for ourselves. BTW, when we do something negative towards another, we bring negativity to ourselves as well. We humans are capable of extraordinary things and helping others expands our vision of what we think we are capable of. This expands self-love.

Ways to help others:

Volunteer at an organization

Visit an older adult who may live alone

Send loving energy to someone

Smile at someone

Do something nice for a stranger


Give Up Victimhood

This is a biggie for most people who have experienced trauma. We find power in our victimhood, our stories. It must be given up if we are to love ourselves.

Our stories happened to us and I am certainly not discounting them, however if we are live a joyful life…the life that is our birthright, we have to collapse the story’s matrix.

Victimhood Becomes an Energetic Matrix

Victimhood becomes an energetic matrix, or pattern, that lives in and through us. It is something that we adopted a long time ago, usually in childhood or sometimes it is passed from generation to generation.  The mind continues to repeat it each and every day. It becomes part of our energy field. It’s like a recording that just plays over and over again.

Victimhood is a very low vibrational state. That vibration is all around us and it energetically attracts more of what we don’t desire. It becomes a cycle on repeat.

The good thing is we can choose to delete the patterns and replace it with a new and more empowering beliefs and stories. When we release victimhood and embrace positive new energy, we can experience greater self-love and literally transform our lives.

How to let go of the Story

Honor what you have been through, but don’t drown in it.

Grieve with supportive and caring people around you.

Celebrate Your Strength in living through it, find your power.

See it as something that happened (maybe long ago), but doesn’t have to define your life now.

Create a new story through positive affirmations and/or seeing it in a different empowered way.

Collapse the energetic matrix through energy healing.

Do things to raise your vibration! My Living Light Guide has plenty of ways to raise your vibration:×-6-in.pdf


 Connect with Angels/Guides

We have the most incredible support that is just waiting for us to recognize it! When you were born, you took a team of beings with you. You knew that it could be difficult to be here, so you created an amazing team to help you. The problem is you forgot that you did that! I’m here to remind you!

I’m sure you heard of a guardian angel. You can start there. Your guardian angel is always with you. Because of our free will, the guardian angel will not communicate or help you until you acknowledge them and are open to receive their love and assistance. There are many types of angels and guides. When we feel their brilliant, unending love for us, we can’t help but feel a greater sense of self-love! Learn more about angels and guides here:


Build Resilience

For instance, do something you would love to do but never thought you could. This may take some planning and time, but when you accomplish it, you will take a giant leap in self-love.

For me it was starting my own business. I doubted myself for a long time, thinking I was unworthy, how would I do it, how would I maintain it. Eventually, I took the leap.

I won’t say that it happened smoothly or all at once. I tried multiple times to start it and ended up closing it and taking a job. But I was always called back.

Maybe you want to visit a beautiful country or island. Or start a non-profit to help others who have been through what you’ve been through. Maybe you want to learn something new,but are afraid to try. Go for it!

Feel the fear and do it anyway. Begin the process. Take it one step at a time. There may be setbacks, and there will also be successes. As Winston Churchill says, “Never, never, never give up.” No matter how many times you fall, get up. This builds resilience and resilience builds self-love.


Open Your Heart

After trauma, assault and neglect, our heart closes down. Located in the heart area, the heart chakra is the energetic place for that closing. It closes because the flow of chi is blocked there. How can we love ourselves when our heart is closed? We can’t…it is impossible.

Reiki is a good way to open the heart. It opens and re-establishes the flow of energy to the heart.

According to Christie Smirl in her book: Chakra Alignment, Ask yourself these questions:

Have you experienced a loss of a loving relationship? If so, reflect on how these factors affect your current perceptions and actions.

Do you have feelings of envy, jealousy, hatred or resentment? Why? How is this affecting your current perceptions and actions?

Do you experience stress, discomfort, pain, limitation or dysfunction in the heart area? If so, why? Where does it arise from?

These questions can help you begin to unravel the reasons why your heart is closed. Create intention statements for how you want to transform your heart. Use these affirmations throughout your day, and before you go to bed to integrate them into your mind.


Willingness To Change & Cultivate Self-Love

Self-love requires a willingness to let go of the beliefs, patterns and energy of the past to create a new future. My feeling is you have nothing to lose, so why not give it a try? Haven’t you suffered long enough?

I would love to hear how you are cultivating self-love in your life. Feel free to contact me at: